Hey there. Alright, so..this is going to be an Ava babbling post so if you choose to skip it I cannot blame you. As you know, we usually don’t use this blog as a platform for an online diary or a tell-all (how annoying are THOSE?), but rather a place for you to come for some possible inspiration. I’m not feeling very inspiring these days, so I’m just going to talk (type, whatever). I won’t bore you with too many details as I definitely like to keep some things private.
Lately I’ve been in a funk. A long, traumatic, confusing funk. Some days are better than others, but the funkiness has been constant. Money is tighter than ever as my mom and I have invested QUITE a lot into this new business. I admire anyone on this planet that has taken a chance and invested their savings into a business venture. This is both the scariest and most exciting thing I’ve ever done. We have athletic apparel coming out in a few weeks (um, finally!)..and I’m anxious but hopeful. I say this to people often but even though I have those moments where I think “What the hell did I get myself into?”, I know that I’m a smart girl and I would never waste my time, energy and money on something that I didn’t know was going to work.
I’ve also always been such a “saver” and so freakin’ good with my money that the fact that my precious dollars are out there in the universe being put towards a business and I haven’t seen the return yet makes me absolutely insane. But it takes money to make money – this I know, and this I keep reminding myself.
Aside from money worries, my sleep schedule sucks, my stress is up, and my eating habits have gone to shit. I keep saying “tomorrow, I’ll go back to eating clean”. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I’ve never had such a loss of grip and self control. How can I encourage you to live a healthy lifestyle if I am no longer doing the same? Know what I wore to work yesterday? Jeggings. Know why? None of my jeans fit. I’ve let myself slip so far that my clothes don’t fit. If anything made me realize it was time for a change, it was this. (Typical chick – leave it to my jeans not fitting to serve as a wake-up call. Forget the struggling bank account). Sometimes I really beat myself up, but I’M HUMAN. We all are. (Wait did I really just point out that we’re humans?) I realize now that adult life is a serious bitch and things only get tougher with age. I’m willing to take my time and figure out what changes to make to get myself back on track, but at least I know that I WILL get back on track.
Also, did I mention that I live in NYC? The most incredible and stressful city in the world? I’ve always said that living in NYC is like being in a relationship. The first two years were the honeymoon phase. Everything was AMAZING. You gallivant around the city not caring that you have $40 in your checking account because OMG THIS IS THE BEST PLACE EVER and all I could do was twirl around with my hands in the air and thank my lucky stars.
The 3 years that followed the honeymoon have been the toughest. Jay-Z wasn’t kidding when he said “If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere”. It’s almost like the city throws you curveballs 24/7 just to sit there with a smug grin afterwards like ”congratulations – you’ve made it to the next phase”.
Just like a relationship with a person, I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. I think, “Would another city be better for me?” The longer I think the more I realize that yes, this city may drive me up a wall at times – but there’s nowhere else I would rather be right now.
Just like a relationship with a person, I vent to my friends only about the bad things. I always bitch about how stressful the city is. I never brag about those moments that I find myself standing on a street corner, taking in my surroundings and smirking to myself thinking “This is SO, so worth it”. I also complain to friends and family when I’m broke, but you NEVER heard me make a peep when I had savings that would probably make your jaw drop. Also just like a relationship, you start to take the little things for granted that used to make you unbelievably happy.
Just like a relationship with a person, you start to realize that yes you get stressed, and yes you have tough times. You cry, then you laugh. You’re pissed, then you smile. Nothing worth having ever came easy in life. Sometimes I wonder, is it me or is it NYC? Is there a darn good reason why NYC is so darn hard to survive in, let alone become successful in? Will everything be OK? Is this hitting bottom and the only way to go is up?
Yes, Yes Yes and Yes. Don’t worry, NYC and me will work out our differences, I’ll get a grip on all the moving parts in my life, and everything will work out. It has to. We only get one chance in life to hustle, find happiness, and make dreams come true.
Life comes with self-doubt, whether its from financial struggles, a bad breakup, or any other issue life hands us. I think it’s OK to ride the wave and have a solo pity party every once in a while as I have done. But remember, that pity party has an expiration date. For my pity party, the time’s up. Time to kick ass. You should do it with me.
Thx for hearing me out.